I have a long story and much to share like I'm sure most of you reading this too will understand. I've journaled 600 thousand words in the last 2 years to give you an idea. I will do my best to keep this short. I had a rough upbringing. When I say rough I got what I needed in terms of food shelter and clothes on my back but the rough was the emotional neglect of my mother and father and both at different times in my childhood life. My mother making up the bulk of my childhood didn't know how to hug me, look at me and when I rebelled at her ways we would end up fighting physically, sometimes even on street corners. At 17 I had the most horrific experience I could ever experience after smoking what I thought was cannabis after another big fight with my mother. That day was the day that changed everything as I suddenly became sucidal suffering with depression, anxiety etc. The experience sent me to hell, my hell. Whatever it was I experienced fear that I don't believe 99% of people can imagine.  I thought I damaged my brain in the process. Within two weeks of the event I developed flash backs and then big panic attacks started where I would relive the event again and again each day. It was terriying and I had no-one to speak too or find comfort with. With the aid of valium I got through each day slowly as the panic attacks became my new normal. I remember being on my moped at 17 up on the Dartmoor moors longing for it all to stop, I wanted to die and these thoughts and feelings were new. I would have to think of ways to keep myself alive, I was increbile when I look back at what i went through, its actually remarkable to think about it as I type and take myself back to 17year old James. 

Time went by and I struggled over all areas in my life. I was coping and my main task of the day became survival. Waking up my question would be 'I'm still here?' and 'how do I get through today?' My days became like that movie Groundhog Day, it was like being inside my own prism of hell but at the same time wanting to live so badly. My relationships to others became non existent as I gave off that vibe of not wanting to connect with others. I was so mentally ill and people felt it. But I kept going, one day at a time. I carried so much hate and resentment in my heart for what had happened to me. I used to say why me everyday? Why did I have two such bad parents? Why did I have no love? It was victim mentality and at a time when all I would think about was taking my life, it hurt to have no-one to speak to or be seen by. Years went by and I kept going with this daily sucidal tendencies but I kept going for those around me and for hope. It came to my early 30's when things took another turn when I had kids. The stress and pressure were overwhelming and I was still screaming inside, nobody could relate or hear me. How did I get this far I would say to myself every single day. I feel like a miracle just being able to sit here at 40 on my bed typing this to you. It would be easy to say 'I dont know' but I do know. There isn't a word to describe how much strength I have. As I type this I realize I haven't allowed myself to feel that strength but I see it. It's for a reason that I will share when the time calls. Anyway, back to my kids, so I went down hill and got the closet I had to losing my life one night in 2018. With some bad news I was found up a tree and a rope around my neck by a police helicopter and dogs. I wanted to go peacfully and took a small handful of valium pills before my planned jump. It had the opposite effect on me as I went from feeling dead and hollow inside to then feeling ok on this small handful of drugs. Did they save me? I dont know. When I know what I know now, it was never going to happen. I was destined to live and get to this point of discovery. Once they took me into custody I was sectioned for a few weeks in Durham mental hospital. It was awful in there and I got worse but they pumped me full of drugs. I was sold the dream of having the help come to me and was let out to the world again. I spiralled very close to death in the months ahead. The system sold me a lie and let me down so I started paying £100 per hour to see someone privately. I quickly learned about cold water and how it brought you back from feeling numb and suicidal and bringing you back into your body. It became my life saver daily. I carried on as I did before, groundhog day but at least I was here alive.

The business I had started for Sarah with a plan to leave behind for her and my kids started to do very well. I saw it as my own little project and we quickly took it into a business unit and employing staff to help. It became my coping mechanism which gave  me purpose to wake up and crack on. It has been 2 decades at this point. It felt like groundhog day, you know the film? 7300 days! I was not just numb from my childhood and trauma at 17, but the journey itself in keeping myself alive.

Then something happened in 2022. I decided enough was enough and I would spend the last few months with my kids through summer before taking my life on my 37th birthday. There is more to why this day but im trying to keep this short. Two weeks before and I could feel this big day coming, I didn't want to die but couldn't keep living with the symptoms I had since 17. In a last ditch attempt I booked myself on a Wim Hof retreat in Spain in September. it was two weeks before my birthday. It was so hard leaving on my own, I remember how bad my anxiety was in the train station leaving and thinking how do I do this?

That week was the first time I experienced human connection that I never knew was possible. From the morning Breathwork, to the human connection sessions, to the rich food, digital detox, everything was just amazing. The third day is when I felt an emotion during a brethwork session that I never knew I was locking away. I felt safe around the 100 people I was with and this was the time to feel it. It was the most horrendous feeling I has ever felt. It was my childhoods abandament. What turned into being in the most hoffiic emotion, it switched once I told my mother who was present that all I wanted was love.I suddenly lit up like a lightbulb. Light pored into me, my vsion was just pure divine light, my heart was fully open and I was feeling every cell of it. Later that day. Wim was giving one of his daily speeches. I looked at him with deep appreacition for how I was feeling in that moment. My body felt great, my pain was non exsistent, I felt conected to those around me. And then it happened, as I stared at him I saw a column of pure light at about 30degrees. Imagine looking at a clock and a line angked at 1pm. This light had no colour, it was what I can only describe as angelic and not of this world. It was in my preiphal vision and clear as day. Moments later as I was looking at  him and I saw what I can only describe as a rainbow around his head. I was this two separate times. The funny thing is I didnt question what it was, I was just in it. 

I came off that retreat on cloud 9, it was increbible what happened through me. After 5 or so days being in my familiar surroundings I crashed. Why couldn't that be life I said to myself? I found myself going back to other retreats but found that this wasnt the answer, it was my life. After some turbulence leaving my ex wife and starting up a new business I found myself griding again. The plan was to build this new business and sell in around 2030 riding off into the sunset they say. There were other plans for me as I needed one more moment of immense pain. I was working 12hrs a day and being the everything guy in my new business. I was burning out and for what again? I had a 10 day hiking holiday in guatamala booked but I canclled it last minute as I told myself I couldnt take the tine off. Then it happened. Something went wrong, seriously wrong with part of the product I was selling. This was huge news to anyone and I had zero capacity to accept it. I had to die. I said goodbye to my kids and drove away. My ex wife called the police with concern that I was the worst she had ever seen me. Later that day after doing everything I could to keep myself alivethe police found me as I entered the city. I did'nt want to talk, I had got myself through this moment and wanted my bed. They wouldnt listen and I drove off. Eventually 45mins later the police took out my tyres and took me into custody. I was in jail for 3 days. They sent 3 differnt mental health nurses into my cell but they couldnt section me. I was normal to them. I felt I was there to teach them things as they listened intently. I think they saw a broken man and a broken system. They couldnt section me, and they couldn't trust that I wouldn't leave and take ny life.

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Just realizing that this is not a long story short, but I am leaving many details out and there is so much to share. I will just proceed. 

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Monday morning came and they sent me to court. The judges heard my story as I stood there crying. The head judge turned her head with a hoffied face and said 'we are sorry mr webster' please leave this courthouse now. Now what do I do I said to myself. I do what ive done for 20 years, I aim to surive and get my head on that pillow tonight. Something chnaged after this point. I had all the pressures of the business, I had stress of a huge silver trading position, my sympmtoms were the worst they could be and I had nothing left. I began to unwind. First I stopped worrying about the business and selling. Next I let go off this multi year silver position. I let go of everything, I was empty. I would like to wrap up my about me  as you have learned a little now. I just want to share one final thing. When I let go magic started to happen around me and it hasnt stopped since. I will share in my book, group sessions and 1on1. My whole perception of my reality has changed a few times in this time, and I expect much more to happen in the coming years. I have noticed the magic weave through people in groups when certain keys align. Alignments, syncrocitys and truth all weaving through the group and I expect this to mutiply in magnetitide when more and more of us come together. You've probably gathered quite quickly that it isn't just helping my mental health and getting on with normal life. I have discovred we are magical souls and the last couple of years I have had all kinds of experiences. Like I keep saying this process must start slowly. The important thing is to get the basics right. That pull on your heart to change your environment or job or relationship, you must listen and I can help guide you. We're all at different stages in our souls path but I do beleive we will interlock where we need to as we all cresend for this point on earth at this time. All the best, James