I have a long story and much to share like I'm sure most of you reading this too will understand. Long story short, I had a rough upbringing. When I say rough I got what I needed in terms of food shelter and clothes on my back but the rough was the emotional neglect of my mother. She didn't know how to hug me, look at me and when I rebelled at her ways we would end up fighting physically, sometimes even on street corners. At 17 I had the most horrific experience I could ever experience after smoking what I thought was cannabis after another big fight with my mother. That day was the day that changed everything as I suddenly became sucidal suffering with depression, anxiety etc. I thought I damaged my brain in the process. I visited what I described as my hell. Within two weeks of the event I developed flash backs and then big panic attacks where I would relive the event again and again each day. I got through each day slowly. I remember being on my moped at 17 up on the Dartmoor moors longing for it all to stop and I would have to think of ways to keep myself alive, I didn't want to die, but I was living hell again everyday when I experienced these isolated panic attacks. Time went by and I struggled over all areas in my life. I was coping and my main task of the dy became survival, on waking up my question would be how do I get through today? My relationships to others were non existent, I gave off that vibe of not wanting to connect with others because I was so ill. But I kept going, one day at a time. 

I carried on and also carried hate and resentment in my heart for what had happened to me. I used to say why me? Why did I have two such bad parents? Why did I have no love? It was victim mentality and at a time when all I would think about was taking my life, it hurt to have no-one to speak to or be seen by. Years went by and I kept going with this daily sucidal tendencies but I kept going for those around me and for hope. It came to my early 30's when things took another turn when I had kids. the stress and pressure were overwhelming and I was still screaming inside, nobody could relate or hear me. How did I get this fr I would say to myself every single day. I feel like a miracle just being able to sit here at 40 on my bed typing this to you. It would be easy to say 'I dont know' but I do know. You have no idea how strong I am. Something inside me is stringer than diamonds. Anyway, back to my kids, so I went down hill and got the closet I had to losing my life one night in 2018. I was found up a tree with a rope around my neck by police helicopter and dogs. I was chilled as a koala on valium because that was what I had taken to go out peacefully. It had the opposite effect on me as I went from feeling dead and hollow inside to then feeling ok on this small handful of drugs. Did they save me? I dont think so, I dont think I could have jumped as I am too strong. I was sectioned for a few weeks and let out to the world again but spiralled very close to death in the months ahead. I learned about cold water and how it brought you back from feeling numb and suicidal to brining you back into your body, it became my life saver daily.

I carried on as I did before, back to my daily routine of waking up, saying to myself how do I get to my pillow tonight, and then doing so. At least I came away from that very numbed state that my brain defatted to when I was sectioned. Remember this is the short version, there is so much to add to all of this.

A little more time passed and the business I created was doing well. It became my drug and coping mechanism giving me purpose to wake up and crack on. the thoughts and patterns were all still there very present daily. It has been 2 decades at this point. It felt like groundhog day, you know the film? 7300 days! I was not just numb from my childhood and trauma ata 17, but the journey itself in keeping myself alive.

Then something happened in 2022. I decided enough was enough and I would spend the last few months with my kids before taking my life on my 37th birthday. There is more to why this day but im trying to keep this short. two weeks before and I could feel the day coming, I didn't want to die but couldn't keep living with the symptoms I had since 17. In a last ditch attempt I booked a I went on a retreat in Spain with Wim hof for September. it was two weeks before my birthday. It was so hard leaving on my own, I remember how bad my anxiety was in the train station leaving and thinking how do I do this? That week